It seems I've hit a major crashing point. I just lost my job at Mercedes-Benz. I've lost the chance to attract a super-hot lovely woman. I've had relationships ripped from me. ...and it's been a repetitive series of struggles since. I am HORRIBLE when it comes to human relationships and socializing. I cant seem to fit in to any group I'm a part of anymore, no matter who the people are. It's like I'm the odd puzzle piece that doesn't belong. I cant get any job done right. It seems as if I have difficulty listening to people. I cant seem to connect with any other human beings. This has been happening for years, and I cant seem to resolve the issue. I have seen therapists, psychologists, and specialists for years, some of these people successful in their own right. None of them could properly locate what was wrong with me. I could never be honest with them, because to this day, I haven't a damned clue what is holding me back from accomplishing success. It always comes down to people and relationships. I totally SUCK at them. I grew up sheltered and isolated (most of it my own choice), but I feel I had no control over it. Since I was a little kid, I could never fit in socially. Never. I always had a rough time growing up. It was painful and annoying. Everyone else could fit right in, and I could never even get any sort of recognition. It was like I stuck out like a sore thumb. If everyone was green, I was blue. If everyone was left, I was diagonal. If people stuck like glue, I was oil. I was ALWAYS...ALWAYS...the odd kid out And honestly, I am done with it. I am sick and tired of being the weird guy. It's never the person I wanted to be, but it seems, by default, without me even realizing it, I end up being the weird guy. ALWAYS. I dont know why. I dont know how. Every...EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL SITUATION...I fail epically without even realizing what the hell is going on. People look at me as if I'm weird and unordinary. I dont like it at all. I just want to be able to fit in and not be weird. I am tired of the nonsense. I am tired of failing. Why do I post here? Not sure. None of you know me in real life, and if you did, you'd probably think I was a little "off" or "weird". I hate it. I'm not saying I'm NOT weird...but I never asked to be weird or aloof. I never had an interest to be this person, but apparently, I was born this way. It's holding me back from success, and I'm tired of it. It's like me being blind, and apparently, everyone sees that I have a pus-filled hunchback, but no one wants to tell me I have it, and decide to make fun of me, the blind person, anyway. It's like I'm handcuffed, blindfolded, tied up, and beaten like a pinata, and I havent a clue why. This has gone on for over 20 years. I am 24 years old. NOTHING has worked thus far. Please help. I dont know what to do anymore. 1/4th of my life has been compromised under bullying, isolation, and social failure. No more. Please...please help me.
I'm going to a Neurologist Monday morning. I'm looking to see what exactly IS wrong (and forcing myself to be brutally honest). I see most of my friends progressing, getting pay raises, new jobs, two people getting married, three other friends in committed relationships, people buying new cars, people enjoying connections and friendships... ...and I attempt to try and secure my own, and when I feel that I've secured a grip, everything goes to ****. My mind goes blank, nothing works out, and I'm back at square one, trying to collect the pieces as they fall. Therapists have tried to get to the root of my problem, but back then, I was scared to speak and tell the truth. My own pride and ego got in the way. Even today, I struggle to come to grips with reality. I've developed a SUPER THICK SKIN over the years. I cant even feel the pain anymore. That's how bad it's gotten. Sometimes I wonder if God put me on this earth to be a recurring joke of a failed life, or someone who is doomed to fail, no matter how hard I try to achieve success. I'll never give up, and I feel that I have a great attitude towards life, but it gets spoiled when things just go to ****, and I havent the slightest awareness or understanding why. It's like I was cursed with an unfair handicap, or a spell of bad luck. I'm a fighter and a winner, but it seems no matter how hard I fight, God sees it fit to mock me, bless everyone else, and curse me out of sick humor... OR... God IS blessing me, and I am being taken care of, but somehow, something is interfering with my blessings, and none of them follow through and become reality. It's as if some kind of imp or hobgoblin is hijacking my intended blessing and good fortune, and forcing me into a position where I screw up, and haven't the slighest idea why. I wouldn't expect any of you to understand. Everyone seems to think that I'm some kind of retard who cant function properly, but I know for a damn fact i'm not retarded. How could I have worked at Mercedes-Benz, Barneys New York, Nordstrom, and Cole Haan and be retarded at the same time? That's IMPOSSIBLE. It cant be unhappiness. I begin happy, but somehow, something gets in the way of me carrying out my success, whether it's me losing concentration, or getting distracted, or something else I'm not aware of, because I've had enough of it. Do you people know what it is to not be able to perform simple tasks and actions others dont seem to have a problem doing? It's an insult to existence. I feel like a fucking court jester, acting like a fool in front of an audience of vicious sharks, and I have no control over any outcome I try to perform. Add to the fact that I'm a 24 year old adult, and it stings even MORE PAINFULLY than if I were a teen. There are people 4-6 years younger than me achieving more than I can ever imagine right now. I have to numb myself to it, because I'm an adult, and there's no time for sobbing or complaining. I dont even get envious of people anymore. I dont feel hatred for others. I dont even feel like getting revenge. What I feel...is helplessness, as if God either abandoned me, or created me to be the laughing stock of the human race. Could it be ADHD? I hope. At least it's fixable. If it's not? Then I'm screwed. Imagine trying to find the answer to a problem, only to be walking and running in circles and circles and circles and circles, and then you turn around, and see a message saying "Find the answer yet?! lolololol." Or imagine trying to tell me that this website is blue and white, and I'm colorblind to the color blue, and I'm telling you the site layout is green, or yellow, or red, and you look at me like I have 8 heads. How do you think I feel?! Sorry for being so direct. I feel as if this is indeed the tallest wall I've come across thus far, and, in my opinion, the final wall in the way of me succeeding. I aint quitting, but as I push and perservere, I find that the goal is getting farther and farther, and the mockery is getting louder and louder. I'd ask why...but again, I'm sure none of you can relate or understand what I'm trying to communicate. It's alright. I've given up on expecting people to understand how I think and feel. Still...I cling to hope.
You are a mass of contradictions. "I am a winner"..."I am a court jester". And that is maybe the smallest one. You seem to vacillate between courage and fear, confidence and desperation. I would explore Aspergers. Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger disorder (AD), is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical (peculiar, odd) use of language are frequently reported.[1][2] The syndrome is named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger who, in 1944, studied and described children in his practice who lacked nonverbal communication skills, demonstrated limited empathy with their peers, and were physically clumsy.[3] The modern conception of Asperger syndrome came into existence in 1981[4] and went through a period of popularization,[5][6] becoming standardized as a diagnosis in the early 1990s. Many questions remain about aspects of the disorder.[7] There is doubt about whether it is distinct from high-functioning autism (HFA);[8] partly because of this, its prevalence is not firmly established.[1] It has been decided that the diagnosis of Asperger's be eliminated in DSM-5, to be replaced by a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder on a severity scale.[9] The exact cause is unknown. Although research suggests the likelihood of a genetic basis,[1] there is no known genetic cause[10][11] and brain imaging techniques have not identified a clear common pathology.[1] There is no single treatment, and the effectiveness of particular interventions is supported by only limited data.[1] Intervention is aimed at improving symptoms and function. The mainstay of management is behavioral therapy, focusing on specific deficits to address poor communication skills, obsessive or repetitive routines, and physical clumsiness.[12] Most children improve as they mature to adulthood, but social and communication difficulties may persist.[7] Some researchers and people with Asperger's have advocated a shift in attitudes toward the view that it is a difference, rather than a disability that must be treated or cured.[13][14] There is a fund manager who made a spectacular call on the credit crisis of 08' that dealt with this and turned it into his advantage, Michael Burry is his name, I think. You might look at his story. I am not a Dr., and have no real idea what is wrong with you, this just popped in my head reading your words and it might be worth exploring with a Dr.
Hi Mesa, I don't understand how you feel or what you are going through, but I do have a lot of compassion for you. It sounds like a nightmare and clearly a lot of pain is attached to your experience. Personally, I like weird awkward people and I am willing to bet that you have met people who you probably thought didn't like you, but actually did. I think you are judging yourself more harshly internally than most people are outwardly. I know that doesn't change your internal experience, but I did want to observe that most of the pain your are describing seems to be stemming from internal pressure you are placing upon yourself. I hope you are able to continue working with professionals on these issues. It can take a long time to see progress in this area, but I believe with time and persistence, you can make changes and see improvement. Hang in there.
I like that Wanderer is trying to get to the bottom of it. I think it may not be solved in the near future, but with time and persistence, things can change. For what its worth, I used to have a major fear of making business related phone calls. About 16 years ago, I had a job that required me to make phone calls on a daily basis to various related agencies to the job I was working in. I felt so awkward on the phone and always had a need to use the restroom before I made a call. I basically just didn't make phone calls and it impeded on my ability to my job. Fast forward 16 years later and I make anywhere from 5-30 phone calls a day as a part of my job. Its not an issue any more. I dont' feel awkard and actually thrive on connecting with strangers. That doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. It takes working on yourself, building your confidence, and getting honest with yourself about what your true fears are that lie behind whatever it is that is causing so much anxiety. So, ask yourself...what is it that you fear? What is the worst thing that could happen as a result of a social interaction? Are you afraid of the connection...of emotional intimacy? Or are you afraid of rejection? Maybe both? But probably more one than the other. Get clear with yourself about what is at the root of this.
It is a nightmare. No matter how hard I try, even though my attitude is that of a winning person, I cant seem to win. I've just learned that it is likely ADD, but even so, I cant be doomed to a lower standard of living because of something I cant control. I refuse to believe that. I don't want to be a weird, awkward kid. What woman wants to have an awkward, werid guy as her boyfriend, even if he is a breadwinner? No one wants to be around someone who loses, and I seem to keep on losing, and i dont know why. I'm tired of seeing others win in life, and I have to fight like a dog just to end up losing a job, or ending up in an awkward situation. If others can win, why cant I? What makes YOU ALL so special? Thank you for your kindness. I'm a little pissed while typing this, but I do appreciate your kind words. Sorry if I come off like a jerk. I'm at my breaking point, and I've had it with living a 2nd rate life. . . . . . I hope you and others can. I just dont want to be judged. See, I have no idea what you're talking about. What do you mean you CHOOSE to be who you are? I AM who I am in real life. Here's the difference: Things work out for you. I, however, get the **** end of the stick. So what do YOU do different? Is it acceptance? If you accept yourself, then I can tell you, I do NOT accept who I am. Is it self-love? If YOU love yourself, then I am the person who does NOT love himself. Perhaps it's acceptance and love. How can I accept and love myself if I cant even fit in with a group of people, or be able to do a job effectively? I want to be successful. I want to be the guy who can attract an attractive, successful, beautiful woman and keep her. I want to make millions as a successful business owner. I want to be filthy rich, and be able to teach others how to do the same. I want to be able to set a goal I want to achieve, and achieve it. I want to be able to compete with the best, and run alongside them in the journey to win and succeed at life. I want to be above above average. I want to live a life of achievement and victory. What's wrong with wanting the best in life? If you can have it, why cant I? If you can do it, I can do it just as good, or better. ...this is true. Sometimes, I dont even feel that I am being a positive impact to people. It either goes unnoticed, or people dont reciprocate. Either I'm doing it wrong, or people are insensitive jerks. On this...maybe that's the case. There may be a chance I have ADD, and if that's the case, that explains why I'm failing. Even so...it's frustrating to acknowledge that...social perceptions and situations, for me, can be changed by factors I have no immediate control over. It's like running a 100yard dash blindfolded. I cant see if I run into the goal post or not. It was the jerk who didn't invite me to his wedding. Him and his wife. I've never met a person who I can honestly call a judgemental narcisstic snob. A genuine, unapologetic one. He got the hot girl, the new car, the new apartment, and everything working out for him, and he's a total arrogant snob. This tells ME..."I have to be an arrogant, narcisstic snob to win the game of life". So, what do I do? Learn how to be a narcisstic snob, and get what he has. Or, perhaps I'm missing something. I tried constantly to reach my hand out in friendship, and he just acts indifferent. It's who's defined as this "alpha male" type of guy. I have no respect for people who flaunt that kind of attitude. To me, there are no "alphas" and "betas" , or, if there's to be an "alpha" male, that "alpha male" will be ME. No questions asked. But I cant seem to do it. I will NOT TOLERATE being a beta. EVER. But it seems I cant break out of it. You have some people...who exist...just to be rude and arrogant. It's simple. You're either a winner or loser. And I REFUSE to be a loser. But, life seems to want to keep me down, no matter how hard I fight. Help? . . . . . What if you had ADD and all that "work" goes to waste because you cant focus? what if it isn't good enough for your employer? What if you ever wanted to start up your own business or enterprise? you dont have enough "time" to ask all those questions, especially when everything you're looking to do when you get older gets harder? My truest fear is to be made fun of and mocked by large groups of people. I fear opening up. I fear being abandoned by people who I open up to. I cant trust people. I feel like every person I get to know has a knife tucked away in their back pocket, and they're wating to stab me to death so they can advance and leave me for vulture food. I dont trust anyone. Everyone is looking to backstab people to win at the game of life. You can tell me I'm wrong if you'd like. However, I require proof if you do so, otherwise don't bother. If it's a girl/woman, I'm afraid that I wont be good enough for her. I'm afraid that, if we go out, she'd cheat on me with someone who's a smooth talker. I'm afraid that she wont think of me as a man. I'm afraid that she would talk crap about me to all her friends. I'm afraid she wont be attracted to me because I'm not some jerk with an over-inflated ego. I'm afraid that some other guy would go up and make me look like a fool in front of her. If it's a guy, I'm afraid of that person trying to potshot or one-up me. I'm afraid of not being able to compete with that guy. I'm afraid of being less of a man than the other guy. I'm afraid that, if we were to fight, I'd lose. I'm afraid that the other guy has better social skills than I do. I'm afraid of being called out and having to defend myself. I'm afraid of meeting a person who will make me look like a weakling. (For the record, I'm 5'11 and 226lbs, some muscle. I'm a big dude). Even so, I'm afraid that I'm not good enough to be worthy to mingle with people. It's torture, and I dont know a way out. It's easy for you guys, because you've never had crap to deal with, or at least, not crap on my level. Argue all you want about that. You most likely have had it easier than I have. I'll bet money on it. Or maybe you do understand, but would like to be a jerk about it? Is that it? Or perhaps you do understand, and can relate the answer to me, but would much rather mess with my head than help me. Could that be it? Idk. I've told you what it is. You guys respond how you'd like. I'll keep on keepin on. It's the only thing I can do that's definite.
(The first part was all complaints and questions, but I think I got somewhere in that rant...) Now I think I know the problem. It's not other people. There will always be people better than I am. The thing is...I've convinced myself that if I'm not in the elite group of people, I am worthless as a human being. It's me, not others. It's my perception of things. I see a tall wall, but in reality, I put that wall there. I put it there to hide the fact that, behind the walls, I'm not really who I say I am. I'm trying to be this magnificent person who has the world by the balls, but in reality, I'm not that person. I dont know who I am. I've been hiding behind walls, smoke and mirrors, and mindgames...I am truly a hurt, damaged, weak person afraid to go out and try to change my circumstance. Ok, I am not the alpha male. I can accept that. I dont know who I am, to be honest. All I know is that I have tried to convince people that I was a dominant leader...when In reality, I was a scared little boy hiding behind his mechanisms. I feel vulnerable right now. I feel weak, scared, and defenseless. I feel as if people were to see the real me, they would laugh and mock me even harder. If people saw the real me, they would not even take the time to pay attention, and leave me as if I were the 100,000,000 other people living in the world. Ok. I surrender. I'm not that good. With the people I'm around...let's say, the business I have...I can't really tell people to go **** themselves. It's more of a team-oriented business. I'm in a position where I have to be the nice guy, or lose everything. I put myself in that position because I chose to hide, rather than emerge as a person. I couldn't treat people the way I want to be treated, because I've always treated myself as unimportant, useless, and incapable of doing much. As of now, I embrace that little boy, and accept that I'm not that great. I can love this little boy, because he is me. It's who I truly am. He may be hurt and damaged, but I have faith he can heal. I think I didn't get invited to the wedding...because the guy could tell that I was being a phony. It's not that I wasn't a fraudster, but rather, I was hiding my true self by raising walls and hiding it. The real me never had a chance to shine. The real me never had an opportunity to make a friend. The real me was hidden like a dirty rag in a closet. I rejected and buried my own real self, and as a result, people did the same. The little boy was crying...wanting someone to be a friend and love him. I never did that. I threw him in the back, and said "I'll construct something spectacular", when all this time...all I had to do was love and help the little boy inside grow to be a man...and ask HIM...what he thinks a winner is. That little boy inside...knows WAY more about success than I do. He could have grown to make everything different, but I denied him the chance, and therefore, screwed myself royally. That little boy...needed love and a friend. He needed me to be that friend and buddy. I denied him for years, and I tried to create a pseudo-alpha frankenstein false self-image. This freakshow I created...was something I considered a masterpiece, but others seem to question it. Some even abhorred it. But I kept promoting and upgrading it, not realizing...that the REAL me...the little boy, was right behind me, willing to love me unconditionally and be my friend. With that said... I dont know. Help me.
Mesa, I don't think you come across as a jerk. What I pick up on is your desperation to fix your situation. There is a lot of intensity behind your words and I really grasp the level of angst your experiencing. I disagree with your statement that if people saw the real you they would laugh or mock you. I think if people had any idea the level of pain you are in, they would have compassion for you. I hope that you can develop that compassion for yourself over time. You are awfully hard on yourself. I am curious by your use of the phrase, "the elite people". Who are these elite people? What makes them elite? It seems, from what you've described, that you created a false persona that people, including yourself, do not like. I wonder what might happen if you work on getting in touch with the REAL you, and the presenting that authentic person to the world. I believe that people respond positively to authenticity, at least the people who matter, anyway.
Thank you. I can convey passion, so I tend to be very descriptive. It's a frustrating angst, but one that has a root behind it. Instead of trying to play the part of a false alpha male, I'm being myself, and seeing how powerful he can grow. Thanks man. To be honest, even my mentors and friends ALL say that I'm excessively hard on myself. I tend to set high standards for myself, and realizing that it was mostly a waste towards a false persona, it's pretty obvious why it wouldn't work. While I do still set high standards, I think I can be much more forgiving knowing I'm being my real self. Elite people, to me, are those who show levels of high responsibility, lack of personal baggage, physical evidence of extraordinary success...In reality, it was my opinion of people who have achieved more than I have. I wanted to beat these early achievers at their own game, but in reality, there is no need to "beat" anyone. If I learn to embrace myself, Instead of competing, I can add to the success market. I believe you. I'm gonna get in touch with my real self, and learn who I really am. . . . . . One of my mentors said that once. "Ignorance of self is the source of unhappiness". I apparently didn't listen, but now, it makes all the sense in the world. Our perceptions cause our misery, unless they're addressed for the truth. Thanks Wanderer. I may actually make a post on that once I've discovered it, so it can help people who are in a similar situation. I'm gonna look more into it. Thanks again for all your help guys. Thank you for your patience and love. I plan to give back once I've got things down and pat.
Growing in a certain manner is what that works quite goodly i mean understading what we need and at the same tiime moving ahead with the right direction is what that works appropriately.
